What stereotypical high school trope is your horse?
Flashback to high school: where is YOUR horse sitting in the cafeteria?
You haul your horse to a new-to-you venue. There are sponsor banners along the walls, trailers with generators, music in the background, dogs and children running around, golf carts, and quite a bit of car and horse traffic. Your horse
doesn’t bat an eye. The distractions at the venue are exactly that: distractions for those who are less focused and can’t keep pace.
is cool. S/he is vaguely interested in the flapping banners, but would really rather be asleep in his/her stall or hanging out behind the trailer with a few buddies and a bag of fresh hay.
is in his/her element. This is what s/he was bred to do. This is just one more step on the road to be a champion. Bring it.
is pretty nervous and wide-eyed. S/he is grinding his/her teeth and it’s clear s/he is going to need a solid warm-up before finding his/her stride. You know you’re going to have to stay calm and keep your breeches glued to your seat.
is trotting around quite full of him/herself. S/he is taking his/her rider for a ride and making sure everyone knows s/he is here. S/he revels in spooking the other horses and pawing at the ground.
is turned out impeccably. All of his/her tack is coordinated and the monogram on the saddle pad stands out just enough to be noticeable while still tasteful. Your horse’s coat is shining, his/her hooves are polished, and his/her mane is perfectly plaited.
pins his/her ears at everything that moves and some things that don’t. Just in case anyone is considering trying to let your horse know who’s boss, s/he throws in a kick and a squeal for good measure.
is a little nervous, but looks to you for guidance and lets you coax her along. By the end of the day, s/he is confidently trucking right along.
You walk through the barn getting ready to give the horses their morning grain. All the horses are in their stalls awaiting their food. Your horse
eats his/her performance feed neatly and completely. Then s/he waits patiently to be exercised or turned out.
gives a small nicker, but mostly waits patiently. S/he eats his/her sensible morning ration and then waits for either turn out or exercise. No fuss, no muss.
is ready to go. S/he needs his/her high-calorie performance feed as soon as possible. Fuel is necessary for performance and rest is for the weak. Hurry up and feed him/her so you can get to work. Winners don’t sleep.
is showing some excitement, for once. Feeding time is his/her favorite time of the day, closely followed by nap time. S/he nickers softly for his/her grain and then buries his/her head in the grain bucket until s/he’s had his/her fill.
paws at the ground in front of the stall door and paces back and forth in the stall. S/he looks at you over the edge of his/her stall door and neighs, just in case you have forgotten about him/her.
pins his/her ears and kicks the stall door once as your walk past – s/he wants to make sure you are aware that s/he has waited long enough for his/her morning ration.
is waiting for his/her aloe-soaked alfalfa cubes and grain free pelleted feed that is specially formulated for ulcer-prone horses. As you finish the rest of your barn chores, you constantly check your horse’s bucket to make sure s/he is eating.
will only eat his/hers with the highest quality top-dressing. Also, the alfalfa is running low; first cut is for peasants.
You decide to take your horse out for a hack/trail ride. How does your horse respond?
A hack sounds lovely. This will be an excellent opportunity to stretch my legs and build some more topline.
Cool. I dig trail rides. They’re mellow, I get to enjoy some fresh air, and I get to hang out with my buddies. Awesome.
Hack out?! <head toss> I really prefer well-groomed footing and twenty meter circles. Besides, there might be briars and puddles.
Haha!! You can’t catch me! I am the queen/king of the pasture! There will be no trail riding today! Wheeeee!!!!!
I don’t like trail rides or hacking out or whatever you want to call it. Other horses always get too close to me. Why are they so obsessed with me? I think I’ll pin my ears, squeal, and kick, just to make sure they know where they stand.
Water makes me a bit nervous and I don’t really like the neighbor’s dog, but if my rider tells me I’m doing well, it could be fun and I’ll do as I’m told.
What if there are streams I have to cross? What if a deer jumps out in front of me? What if there are plastic bags? There might be hikers on the trail with their dogs.
Will there be wide open spaces? Great, let’s breeze. We can’t breeze? Fine. Let’s do some muscle building and hill work. Better hang on – I want to go.
You have the trailer hooked up to the truck, and it’s time to load. Your horse
follows your lead onto the trailer slowly and quietly, s/her may need a little encouragement to finish loading his/her hind end once the front feet are on the trailer. However, as soon as s/he sees the fresh bag of hay, it’s all good.
gives a small kick as s/he hops on the trailer. Once on, s/he starts pawing and dancing, but at least s/he’s loaded. The easy part is done; you have no idea how you’re going to convince your horse to back off the trailer once you arrive.
lifts his/her shipping boot clad leg delicately onto the perfectly bedded down. The top-of-the-line therapy sheet s/he is wearing should keep him/her comfortable for the ride. Fresh timothy/alfalfa mix is available for him/her to munch at his/her leisure.
looks around and gives a snort, then hops on the trailer. S/he knows s/he is going somewhere to compete and is ready. You make sure the therapy sheet is on before s/he gets on the trailer so s/he will be in top condition before your warm up.
pins his/her ears and swishes his/her tail as you lead him/her onto the trailer. If you have assistance encouraging him/her to get on, s/he may throw out a kick to remind the help to stay back.
self-loads and stands patiently while you tie/secure him/her.
sniffs the trailer warily and resists slightly. After a few words of encouragement, s/he steps on the trailer, munches on hay, and awaits the drive.
works him/herself into a sweaty mess while you try to get him/her to load. S/he has loaded without a problem in the past, but today nothing seems to work. S/he won’t follow you on, won’t self-load, and seems afraid of the big scary box.
You have your horse on the lunge line before riding. Your horse
gets out a buck or two just to expel any excess energy, and then focuses and is clearly ready to get to work. You won’t get anywhere on talent alone; hard work and effort are what make champions.
is focused from the outset. His/her inside ear is always tipped toward you and his/her gaits, transitions, and movement are flawless. S/he is ready to work.
needs quite a bit of encouragement to move out. S/he isn’t doing anything bad, per se, s/he just isn’t overly concerned with lunging or, you know, work.
starts out a bit stiff, but warms up into a nice, relaxed trot. S/he is focused on you and clearly aims to please.
swishes his/her tail and clearly is annoyed at having to engage in this basic warm up. After s/he joins up, you approach him/her to give a pat and reward a job well done. As you approach, s/he pins his/her ears and gives you the side-eye.
takes what feels like forever to relax, focus, and drop his/her head. At the start of the lunging session, you can see the whites of his/her eyes and you’re pretty certain your horse is doing its best impression of a giraffe.
throws up his/her head and rushes into the trot. After a few minutes of working on refocusing him/her, you ask for a canter. S/he does his/her best impression of a ninja and throws a kick and a buck, then gallops around you while you cling to the line.
waits for your to make sure his/her polos are wrapped symmetrically before beginning. Once on the lunge line, s/he showcases a light, floaty trot, the movement of which belies his/her superior breeding.
It’s farrier day. Every horse is in and waiting his/her turn. When your horse is up, it
is fine at first, but becomes quite concerned by the smoke that rises from the farrier’s trailer as s/he cools a shoe. Your horse’s eyes get wide and you know you’re in for an adventure. No one is getting through this without a sedative.
is definitely going to hurt the farrier’s back. No one should have to bend over this far to trim a hoof.
knows it will need to stand for a while as all four shoes need to be shaped and placed. Championships aren’t won with improper equipment.
loves pedicure day; your hooves say everything about you.
stands patiently while the farrier does his/her job. Your horse knows better than to take a step when told to stand.
stands quietly as the farrier has to reset the front shoe AGAIN.
stands quietly, but subtly leans into the farrier as each hoof is being trimmed and/or shod. When the farrier puts down your horse’s hoof so that it has to balance on its own four legs, it lick and chews and passes gas.
swishes his/her tail and paws a bit while waiting for the farrier to get started. When he/she is bent over your horse’s front foot, s/he may give the farrier a little nip to remind him/her of his place. Also, all this standing around is for the dogs.
The Jock
This is the horse that runs barrels, jumps, or races. S/he does his job well. S/he has strength, speed, and a heck-of-a work ethic. This horse is a winner. Its focus, its trainer’s focus, its rider’s focus, and its rider’s coach’s focus is on winning. S/he is fed the best performance feed, gets regular body work, and is treated like the king or queen it knows it is. If your horse were a high schooler, s/he would be offered a full ride to a division one program, where s/he will be a star... until s/he blows out a knee. After which, s/he will spend the rest of his/her life regaling everyone with stories about the level of athlete s/he used to be.
The Prep
There is never just one of this horse – they always appear in a group. They are the prepsters. Their manes are always pulled, their bodies are clipped, their coats shine, and their white polos are always freshly laundered and crisp. They are taught to avoid mud puddles because they might ruin their perfectly manicured hooves. As their clean and mended tartan turnout sheets can attest, these horses perform perfectly. If your horse were a high schooler, there is no doubt it would attend an Ivy League school and, one day, we’d all be working for it.
The 4.0 Unicorn
Your horse is the unicorn. It’s beautiful, intelligent, and athletic – it’s conformation stunning. This horse is good at everything and knows it. Show it a skill once, s/he has it down. Ask the wrong way, it’ll let you know. There’s no funny business with this horse because it’s well beneath him/her, but s/he expects the same perfection that s/he embodies from everyone around him/her. If your horse were a high schooler, it would take AP classes, carry a 4.0, and be captain of every team on which s/he plays. S/he would abhor group projects because s/he does all the work anyway. And, no, you can’t copy this horse’s notes.
The Mean Girl
Your horse is the mean girl, the alpha mare, the Regina George of the pasture. Even if it’s a gelding, it’s still the alpha mare. She throw fits – at both her riders and her pasture mates. She lets you and her herd mates know exactly what displeases her at all times – her pinned ears and swishing tail leave no doubt. If this horse were a high schooler, no one would know what sort of grades this student would earn; she may have talent, she may not. That is irrelevant. She is the it girl. Everyone has felt personally victimized by this mare, yet, somehow, she still has a following.
The B-Lister
Your horse is the B-lister, the balance to the alpha mare. It’s the hardworking, honest horse. It tries, but may not always get it the first time. In this horse, concepts have to simmer overnight before they take hold. If this horse were a high schooler, it would be the student who studied really hard for its B+ average and, even though it made the team, it wasn’t in the starting line-up. It’s a solid second-string horse, but it’s what counts when it comes to depth. It desperately wants to be friends with the it horses, but never really seems to make the cut.
The Stoner
Your horse is the stoner. Its mane is a little too long and it might be a little bit grungy, but it’s got a soft, relaxed eye, and generally everyone likes him/her. Nothing phases this horse; this is your packer and the horse you let your friends ride. No matter what you throw at it, at the end of the day, it’ll sit back, take a nice deep breath, and everything will be oookkkaaaayyyy – as long as it has some fresh hay and quality grain. If your horse were a high schooler, it would be the student hanging out in the parking lot and missing more than the occasional class. It’s been wearing the same faded flannel and ripped Nirvana shirt for as long as anyone can remember.
The Emo Kid
Your horse is emo. It loiters on the outskirts of the herd. It has trouble interpreting the hierarchical schema of the herd and makes awkward social advancements that are rebuffed by the more confident, well-established members. Some pinned ears, a kick, or a squeal let it know it’s missed the mark as it tries to edge his way into the midst of the others. This is likely the same horse that is prone to emotional outbursts if pressured too hard or if given inconsistent cues. It needs a leader and a good dose of self-confidence. If your horse were a high schooler, it would be in the back of the class, listening to My Chemical Romance or Paramour (but only their early stuff).
The Younger Sibling
Your horse is the younger sibling someone got stuck babysitting. If your horse were a human, it would be the one running around, annoying the teenagers by yelling, “I’m not touching you!” while it holds its finger inches from people’s faces. S/he rarely makes contact, but wants everyone to be aware that it is there and can cause some damage if angered. This is the person who will tell Mom what you’ve been up to while hanging out with your friends. Your horse is definitely a pony.