What kind of Kremlinologist are you?

What's your ideal morning like?

Put on a silk robe, have a nice cup of coffee, light a cigar, randomly insert Dostoevsky into a mundane conversation with your cleaning lady

Out some Kremlin trolls, have a conversation with the source who talks to you through your bathroom vent, out more Kremlin trolls

Check Kremlin.ru, notice they started using a slightly new font in their drop-down menu, write a 2000 word blog post about it

Wage war on complacent Western sheeple in the comments section to a Guardian article you haven't actually read

What's your opinion of Donald J. Trump?

He's just a decent guy who wants to drain the swamp, but Congress won't let him. Bonus points for that hot wife/daughter (which one is which again?)

He's Putin's actual, honest-to-God sexbot. Or else Putin is his. I'm not sure. The talking mice who work as my spies in the Kremlin and the Oval Office give contradictory reports on that one

Amusing fellow. Would be slightly disconcerting if he starts nuclear war, though

Putin plays chess, and Trump plays hopscotch. Or... something. Honestly, it sounded better in my head

What's Russia really like?

Great parties! Wonderfully opinionated taxi drivers. Shame about those random repressions

A giant gulag where the skies are always slate grey and all dissidents are subject to public bear rape

The important thing about Russia is that I can occasionally get a date there

Like a game of Risk brought to life - presided over by Putin's steely, unflinching gaze

If you could ask Putin a question, what would it be?

I don't need to ask Putin questions. I get the guy. He's not hard to figure out

Vladimir Vladimirovich, why are you so handsome? Is it hard to lead the forces of light against the barbarian gay Nazi hordes?

You're just like the rest of us, aren't you, old chap? Underneath the piles of money and the state secrets and the paranoia, I mean

WHAT'S COVFEFE REALLY CODE FOR? HOW MUCH IS THE ANTICHRIST PAYING YOU?

The Putin whisperer

You get Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. Like, really get him, man. You two have never done the whole shirtless fishing thing together, but you might as well have. He sends you signals - with his body language, the color of his ties, the way he arranges his ministers during Kremlin photo ops, with his endless, totally tasteful jokes about gay dudes in the shower and references to "Western partners" and encounters with animals wild and domestic. All of this stuff is serious business and if a think tank hasn't hired you yet, we have to wonder what the hell those think tank people are thinking.

The Twitter conspiracy theorist

Don't look now, but the Russians have hacked your Alexa and are recording the noises you make when you're attacking your enchiladas, all the better to blackmail you with later. YOU WARNED EVERYONE THAT "THE AMERICANS" WAS AN EXERCISE IN KGB MIRRORING TO LULL US ALL INTO A STATE OF COMPLACENCY, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN. Putin has gone to extraordinary lengths to pay people to make fun of your "game theory" Twitter threads. You hope that the pinko lefty trolls recording all those podcasts with the subliminal messaging promoting Russian propaganda and the eating of kholodets will be exposed for what they are eventually.

The old Russia hand

You like spy novels and beautiful people. You can talk about "the Russian soul" with a straight face. You like to tell stories about that one cigarette you shared with Sergei Lavrov. Your darkest secret is that you don't actually like the taste of vodka.

The Russian state media's favorite "analyst"

You're not "pro-Kremlin," you're "pro-truth," dammit! You know all about the secret Russian weapon that strikes fear into the hearts of NATO soldiers everywhere - you're just not going to reveal what it is yet. You wish the public would wake up to the fact that, like, 89% of internet bots everywhere want Russia sanctions lifted. You don't *actually* work for Sputnik or RT, you just like the fact that they let you present your alternative facts - I mean, if the lazy Western MSM is actively ignoring the fact that the fluoride in the water is turning both the frogs AND small motor boats gay, you have to take your message somewhere, right? Att least Putin is putting his foot down and taking a stand against horrifying frog-on-boat action, in the name of Christian morals everywhere!