Forging the Once and Future “You”
As a companion to my essay for The Hedgehog Review, “Sorting the Self: Assessments and the Cult of Personality,” I have devised a psychometric instrument: the Deceptagram. It consists of fifty multiple choice questions with a simple scoring rubric to reveal your personality, or what I will call your Decepta-Type.
Answer the questions to discover your Decepta-Type:
- a Breezicle
- a Scorio
- a Struggilist
- a Docmeister
How to respond to your results? First, weigh the extent to which the typology feels right to you. Assuming it mostly does, then consider whether (a) you think your self-deceptive measures are useful and good (if so, then imagine what formalizing them purposefully would look like), or (b) consider whether you would like to change your ways (if so, imagine what doing that might involve). Either way, what matters is making the choice explicit and owning it. If you do not feel that your revealed Decepta-Type really “fits” you, then go ahead and try taking the test again to see if you can land on the one you prefer. Up to you.
If you would like to print the Deceptagram and score your results offline, download a PDF version here.
—Christopher Yates
How often in the last month have you used expressions resembling, “I have to imagine…” or “I can’t imagine…”?
When chatting with other people you know, do you casually refer to things your therapist has said?
How often in the last month have you used expressions resembling, “I think we need to have a conversation about…” and/or “That’s not my story to tell…”?
Do you sometimes end your sentences with a bit of a Frenchified “up-talk” inflection, or “right?”, or “you know?”, as though the last word or phrase arcs up into the vibe of a question mark edged with sincerity?
When you purchase an item of clothing that doesn’t fit perfectly do you tell yourself it will probably stretch or shrink (or you’re going to shed/gain weight) just enough for it to work fine?
Have you ever self-diagnosed positively for a gluten allergies, lyme disease, chronic fatigue, PTSD, or sleep apnea?
When parking in a parking lot, do you try for a spot close to your destination or just ease into one out of the way?
When you switch cashier lines at the store to try and get through more quickly, only to discover you’re even worse off, do you think to yourself: “This always happens to me”?
Do you ever say something to the effect of, “so much violence comes from religion,” as a way of justifying your atheism or agnosticism?
Do you have more than one cat?
If you are one to say “I’ve been reading up on that” in topic-oriented conversational situations, do you mean that you’ve checked out some websites or that you’ve really dug-into some essays or research?
Have you told anxious friends that they should try breathing exercises?
Are you vegan, vegetarian, or some such dietary-restriction kind of person?
Were you born after the release of Pearl Jam’s “Ten” album (1991)?
Do you ever refer to yourself as a “DIYer”?
Are you (or would you be) a rather vocal sideline parent at your child sporting events?
Sticking with the theme of kid sports, have you ever agreed with a foul called against your child? (Or would you, hypothetically speaking?)
Do you feel like these questions are overly simplistic and/or pigeon-holing you?
Do you chat with friends about the results of personality tests you’ve taken?
When describing yourself to others, do you ever say that you’re “spontaneous”?
Do you take the stairs in lieu of the escalator or elevator in order to “get a little workout in”?
Are you the kind of person that doesn’t recline their airplane seat because you don’t want to impinge on the space of the person behind you?
Are you into “Minimalism” pretty seriously?
Does the overuse of the word “literally” bother you?
Are you in the habit of filling out online customer reviews of products or commercial experiences?
Do you ever say, “I’m spiritual but not into organized religion”?
Have you taken to referring to yourself as a “maker” or “creative” in order to better represent yourself in this world of imperfectly aligned vocational categories?
Would you advise someone visiting America for the first time to go to New York City?
Do you follow a decided and consistent policy when it comes to tipping?
If you have a fireplace, is it gas?
Are you careful to not place any plants or small interior house trees by the windows so as to limit bird deaths?
Are you into motorized scooters/skateboards and/or self-propelled bicycles?
Would you hire an SAT tutor or College Application Consultant for your child (real or hypothetical)?
When the doctor asks you to rank your pain or distress on a scale of 1 to 10, how hard is it for you to decide on a number?
How many times in the last month have you returned a specialty coffee drink because it wasn’t made quite right?
Do you feel bad if your dog (or would you if you had one) poops on a walk and you don’t have a baggie for cleanup?
Have you ever done a mail-in DNA/genealogy test and hoped in the back of your mind that you’d discover you have some especially unique but as of yet undocumented heritage?
Do you dress in farm or labor workwear even though you’re not a farmer or manual laborer?
When, after being in a conversational situation at a party or social event of some kind, do you ruminate in a worried state over things you said and how they may have come across?
When you merge on to the interstate, do you tend to worry (say, at least half the time) that you’ve jumped the gun and pissed off the driver behind you?
Are you, or have you been, into Essential Oils?
Have you gone through, or are you in, a phase where you “only check email twice a day”?
Do you ever think to yourself: “I’d probably make a good Life-Coach”?
How do you feel about vanity license plates?
Do you tend to use filtered fridge water instead of faucet water?
How do you feel about Christmas lights going up before Thanksgiving?
What’s your take on electronic toothbrushes?
Do you think that wearing sandals can be a form of cultural appropriation?
How often do you use words like “impactful” and “transparent”?
Are you excited to now discover your Decepta-Type?
The Breezicle
Overconfident that things will always work out for the best, you tend to disregard the BS in life. As a result, you have a Friday afternoon sort of ease about you. You can laugh at yourself when your houseplants take a turn for the worse, or you forget to take the parking brake off while driving. But, since angst, like heat, must go somewhere, it settles into a remote pocket of your spirit where it sometimes emits little radio waves of self-doubt.
Double Down? Go on a road trip —say, Santa Fe—and post daily on Instagram. When you return home adopt a shelter dog and take up ceramics.
Dial it Back? Read a print newspaper faithfully. Learn to install and finish dry-wall. Get a punching bag.
The Scorio
Naturally adept at the little things that vex most people—like how to score free concert tickets, where to find the best happy hours, and how to go the way GPS doesn’t know—you have come to believe your charm will win every room and get you a seat in the exit row. As a result, you think you have a magic touch and what your aunt calls “a certain way with people” that will see you through. But when you’re alone something feels off and you wonder what’s become of old friends, who would visit you in the hospital, and whether it’s actually true that you could have played Division I or had a career in modelling.
Double Down? Work in sales of some kind. Plan a destination party in Miami.
Dial it Back? Get off social media (including LinkedIn). Go to New York City and ride the subway alone till you are totally lost, then end up at a Latin Mass.
The Struggilist
Convinced that the institutional and social cards are always stacked against you, and that those whom you have loved and served take you for granted, you see the world as an alienating and ungrateful place. As a result, you have cultivated a self-reliant fortitude and poise, and a sense of soldiering on sustains you behind that practiced professional smile. But something inside you has perforated over time, and now and then you wonder if you would ever let yourself be known.
Double Down? Stroll in a slow serpentine way down a crowded airport terminal, periodically halting to check your phone. Fill out a mortgage or refinance application.
Dial it Back? Volunteer with a local GED tutoring program. Compliment a stranger on their shoes. Invite a coworker to a local art opening.
The Docmeister
Dismayed by the superficial ways of living and thinking around you and fortified by your friendship with books and podcasts, you have come to trust your insights about the world on the basis of how they stand against the status quo. As a result, you feel that you have not, like everyone else, fallen prey to common deceits and the corrosive effects of technology, media, ideology, and consumerism. But sometimes you wonder if you’re using words like “normative” and “neoliberal” correctly, and you tire a bit of the severity in your voice.
Double Down? Spend an hour amid the aisles of your local Walmart then go to a used bookstore. Read some DeLillo after you walk home from the farmer’s market.
Dial it Back? Play some miniature golf. Read some more DeLillo, then flip through some of your early college essays, your high school diaries if you have them.