You Are The Daily Mail
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Years of neoliberal economic policies from governments you have supported have failed, who do you blame?
Thatcher
Milton Friedman
Immigrants, muslims and single mothers
Scottish Independence is a real threat, what's your strategy?
Too wee, too poor, too stupid
SNP Bad
Everything is a "blow for Sturgeon"
Shout "fascism"
The Daily Mail used to support the fascists, what's the plan?
Apologise
Continue to do so surreptitiously
Shhhhhhhhhh
Some junk science has been published, what do you do?
Front page, no analysis at all
Question the efficacy and source of the research
Junk science causes cancer
Reputable research shows immigrants have a net value for the economy, what do you do?
Question the efficacy and source of the research
Trawl for a story of an immigrant doing something bad
Shhhhhhhhhhh
The EU produces a law in order to raise hygiene standards, what do you do?
Welcome the plan
Analyse the effect it will have on business
Make up some shit about bananas
Women are demanding equal pay, what do you do?
It's political correctness gone mad
Pay a female commentator to say it's a bad idea
Shhhhhhh
More and more people define themselves as atheists, what's to be done?
Claim christianity is under attack
Say it's the fault of gays and muslims
Analyse why
Story about Jesus in a piece of toast or something
People want a functioning NHS but cuts are killing it, what do you do?
Attack it at every opportunity
Claim it is awash with immigrants
Trawl for bad individual stories and exaggerate them
All of the above
The World Health Organisation reports an increase in the cases of a certain virus, what do you do?
You analyse the risks and prevention strategies soberly
Claim it is the fault of immigrants
Tell everyone to PAANNNNIIIIICCCCCCCC
There is a scandal about the royal family, what do you do?
Publish it if it isn't the queen
Shhhhhhh
Thank you!
You are almost the right person to work for the Daily Mail but you look too much like an immigrant, so bog off back where you came from.